Tips and Tricks for Behaviors

If I have learned one thing being a parent to neurodivergent kids, it's that I don't know everything, and I am always looking for more. Another thing I have learned is that most good information comes from sharing with others. I have learned so much from others, not just from doctors or therapists, but fellow parents. Here, I want to open a forum for those things to be shared here. Not everything will work for your specific needs, but maybe your tactics will help another; it is the very backbone of this group’s mission: to help each other.

Understanding the Why

Knowing why your nuerospicy companion is doing a particularly negative behavior is just as important as the solution to the problem. Now, this can be a lot of guesswork at first, but once you learn to really watch and really read those physical and social cues, it helps to not only to stop the behavior but help that person too. It is also important to mention here that a bad behavior is something that is either negatively impacting the person, harming them, or harming others. Here we will not be discussing tips and tricks to stop things like hand flapping or jumping. A stim is different from a behavior and is something that helps soothe the person. I believe these things are only corrected because it is not yet considered a "social norm". That I do not care about, nor do I care about. Just because a stim isn't what others may consider "normal" doesn't mean it is something to curb or stop. This is for things that are harmful or dangerous to them or others. 

The Whys

There are many different reasons why a neurodivergent individual will start a negative behavior. Here, we will talk about the main ones I have seen and researched, and if there are others I didn't mention, please feel free to add.

• Attention Seeking: this is when a behavior is done to get a reaction out of an intended individual, whether the attention is good or bad. This is something all children do neurospicy or not. It just can look very different in a neurodivergent person. An example: my oldest likes to do things like rip things apart or break things to get my attention. He has even gone so far as to physical aggression as well.

• Sensory Seeking: this is a tricky one because this behavior is to fulfill a need they are trying to reach, but at a cost to their safety or others’ safety. These behaviors can look like jumping off high things, hitting hard objects, biting. The important thing to remember is it isn't for a negative result; it’s to soothe them, even though to you it may look different.

• Anger/Upset: then there is the normal, I am mad, and this is how I shall tell you behaviors. This is something to expect in any person; again, it just looks very different in a neurodivergent person.

Tools to help

There are many ways to help a person who is experiencing these behaviors; this is where we get to really start to read the individual and help figure out what they are trying to tell us and implement the tools. Now, these are things I have mostly learned from ABA therapists, psychologists, special education teachers, occupational therapists, speech therapists, and physical therapists. Of course, other parents as well, but it is important to remember that resources are out there for you, and there are other areas of the website to help you find those resources. These tips are for those who may not have the means to them just yet, and it is always recommended to seek out professional help as well.

1.    Extinction 

Extinction is my number one tool I use for most of my kiddo’s behaviors. It sounds harsh, and it can be, but it works for even the worst of some behaviors I have seen. I won’t lie; it is also the hardest. For all these tools, but this one the most, consistency is essential. You cannot budge or give in; it takes you right back to the beginning, so I started this tool early, but if you can’t start once you and all the people around that person are ready, remain firm with the protocol. Now, what is extinction? This is when you completely ignore a behavior. I know it sounds stupid; I thought so too when it was first recommended to me. My son had started hitting us, me. At the time, he was young but had the strength and size to back him up. We had him in ABA therapy for a while at this point, and this had never been an issue with him. It got so bad that he was hitting us for most of the day and started to do it to his siblings and our pets. We had to actively keep him away, and it was becoming a nightmare. That is when we introduced the extinction technique. It was brutal, but it worked. Well, it worked with me and his therapist, but this is where the before mentioned warning comes into play about making sure everyone is on board. To implement this tool, and crazy as it sounds, found that he was hitting for attention, so when he would hit us, we would give no reaction; the hitting was the fire, and the attention was the air that fire needed. When we removed the air, the fire goes out. Now, yes, it sucked- getting hit by him, watching him hit the therapist- but she told me to keep going; it will work. My family, on the other hand, thought the opposite and would yell at him or try to be authoritative towards him when he hit, and it never worked. During the week, when he was mostly with the therapist and me, he would start to improve; the hitting would slow to almost a complete halt. Then the weekend would come, we would go on an outing with family, and he would hit me, and someone would yell at him or even say his name, and it was just enough for that fire to keep going, and it felt like we started all over again come Monday morning. I realized if we want to see any true change, we will have to have a meeting as a family to set firm rules. This can be very difficult and may be something you cannot control; that’s ok too. But meeting and setting firm boundaries is not a bad thing, nor is it something to feel bad about. I got to the point where I told my family I would not let them see him if they didn't follow these strict guidelines. That seemed to be what really worked, and I asked the therapist to talk to them as well, since it felt like my word was not enough for them to believe me sometimes. So, it truly started the extinction, and slowly the hitting stopped. The aggression stopped; the house changed entirely, and his mood changed. We figured out that he just needed some attention, so once we could offer a more suitable replacement for it, and once he saw that the hitting would not get him any sort of attention at all, it stopped. Now, this isn't some miracle or once-in-a-lifetime thing. It is also a tool that can be used for so many things, not just bad behavior. what it is: work, hard work, and as mentioned, consistency and follow-through are so very important for true change to happen.

2.    Re-Direction/ Replacement behavior

This is another great way to help stop or lessen a negative behavior an individual is exhibiting. The concept is straightforward: find something safe and healthy that still meets the need of the bad behavior. Sounds easy.... wrong. Well, sometimes it is, but in my experience it has mostly been difficult. This tool is usually used more for sensory-seeking behaviors, things that aren't for any type of attention or communication; it is a soothing technique. As mentioned earlier, an example of a sensory need or activity is hand flapping, which is not something to correct or stop. It is a safe, non-threatening gesture that provides comfort. But, as some may know, not all these sensory-seeking activities are safe or healthy. Hitting hard objects with the hands may look painful, and it may very well be for the autistic individual, but their brain may be wired differently so that it feels a sense of comfort with that motion. The problem is the long-term issues it can pose for the body, as well as the property damage it may cause. An example of a replacement behavior for something like that could be buying a punching bag to hit or gym mats to hit. Providing the stimuli in a way that is safer for everyone without denying them the relief that motion may give them. 

3. Educational Support

Another great resource to help is establishing an IEP with your school district. An IEP is an Individual Education Plan that is a legal document created specifically for the autistic individual’s specific needs while in the school setting. Goals are created and closely monitored by the staff over time. Progress meetings will be held over time to track the progress of the goals, and changes can be made at these meetings to better serve the individual. For more info on these meetings, please see the IEP Blog.

4. Family Support Services

Family support services can help parents and caregivers navigate the challenges of raising a neurodivergent child. Most counties have something called a regional center, which is a government agency that helps those with children with special needs receive services like respite, funding for activities, free classes, and much more. For help finding out more about these regional centers, please reach out.

Conclusion

This process of trying to understand your neurodivergent individual and helping them in a way that feels more natural to them is a process. There will be many failures before you get to the right rhythm but keep trying. Not everything will work, and don't be afraid to get creative. If your kiddo has a specific need that you have never seen someone try before, that’s ok you never know what tip or trick may help not just your kiddo but another's as well. If there are any questions, please feel free to reach out or schedule a consultation for more specialized support.